Ahh, vacation. It’s my first day back from a weekend trip to visit family, and I already need another vacation. Not because of the family, we had a fantastic time, but because I came back from a Saturday and Sunday away to a shitstorm of work to do. I digrmyess, however. Every year, my step mother’s sister throws an annual weekend up at her house. Since my dad married into the family, they also include me, my husband and kids. The weekend is filled with laughter, days spent at the lake, and lots of food and beer. It’s always a fun weekend. This year, I think we had 16 or more.
Saturday, while lounging at the lake, watching the kids play in the swimming areas and in the sand, I got into a conversation with my…let me see if I get this right….step cousin’s wife. We were talking about our kids, and how they are growing up so fast, the usual. She lives in Brooklyn NY, and she overheard her son tell me how excited he was for school this year because at his school, the kids are allowed to leave the school and go out for lunch unattended. I was completely fascinated by this revelation, and his mom (I’ll refer to her as E) filled me me. Apparently, starting in 4th grade, the kids are allowed to leave the school building and can go for lunch. Completely unattended. In Brooklyn. I was a bit amazed that the school, never mind the parents, would ever go for such an idea. I live in relatively small town suburbia, and parents here are CRAZY intense. Helicopter parenting is mostly the norm, if not encouraged. Parents direct every aspect of their children’s lives, friends, interests and activities. Kids are placed into a LOT of activities because the general thought is that they must be active ALL the time. They must be kept busy. I have friends who have their kids in about 6 activities a week. It looks exhausting, not only for the kids, but for the parents who have to drive to (and most attend) as well. The idea that this school in NY would allow kids as young as 10 to just leave the building mid day and roam to a local restaurant unattended was something I struggled to fathom, but I was intrigued.
For those of you who follow my blog, you may remember I wrote a while back about how I was trying to let me kids have more freedoms, more independence, and promote a sense of self responsibility and good decision making skills. It went swimmingly, until we had a falter when my daughter forgot to communicate she was going to a friend’s a few houses down and I couldn’t find her. After that we had to place new rules and explain the communication process. Things have been going really well, except that it got so hot the kids haven’t really wanted to venture outside too much, never mind riding bikes etc. Hopefully, we will work on things more in the fall.
As we talked, E explained that the school allows the kids to leave, unattended for lunch, mostly due to a problem with overcrowding in the school. There really isn’t enough room in the cafeteria. She said the kids have a radius that they can go to, about 2-3 blocks, and their are crossing guards at the intersections (and to make sure the kids don’t go outside of the “zone”. On those blocks, there are a bunch of restaurants the kids can choose from, they bring their own money, and buy lunch. I thought about how this would fly where I live and giggled, because it never would. After hearing the layout of their school’s plan, it seemed like quite a good one. The kids have choice, are given responsibility, there are crossing guards to keep them in the general vicinity, and frankly, it was a great way to keep local businesses afloat. E explained also that the principal is a very strong leader, explains the process to the kids very clearly, and they are fully aware that one misstep means they lose the privilege. They haven’t had any issues, because the kids take the privilege so seriously, they don’t want to lose it. Also, with the volume of people in the area, parents feel that the kids are far safer than wandering in the suburbs.
I explained to her my realization earlier in the year that there were so many things I knew how to do at a young age that my children have never learned, simply because they have never had to learn it. Road safety, because I am always there to walk them across the road, for example. All those little things, that really are big things, because I am always there to do it for them. She said she had had the exact same realization, and it really bothered her. The interesting thing was that with one of us living in the city, and one in the suburbs, we each had a different set of skills we realized we had never taught our kids because we’d always been there to do it for them. Also, the kids needed different skills based on their location. For my kids, bike riding was more important, but for her kids, there wasn’t much of a good place for her kids to ride. For her kids, navigating their neighborhood during rush hour was more important than for my kids, who don’t see a lot of traffic in our area.
Both of us have decided a change is in order, and we are working to give our kids more flexibility, responsibility, and more LIFE skills they can do without us. While the skill sets may be different based on where we live and the needs that arrive from that, the mentality is the same. Our parents let us learn the hard way, on our own quite a bit, and it taught us good, solid lessons. We weren’t hovered over and coddled. We were treated as little people who had to learn to live in a complicated world. I see moms on social media claiming their kids are never out of their sight, that they do EVERYTHING for their kids, and that they keep their kids in activities and busy every minute of the day. Know what that tells me? Those kids likely won’t be able to entertain themselves if someone isn’t telling them how. Those kids will miss many an important life lesson. Independence and self discovery is important! If someone does everything for you, how do you learn to do it yourself?
I recalled the conversation I had with the police officer who came that day my daughter left for her friend’s without telling me where she was going. I was honestly really, really frightened and questioned my decision to let her do more on her own. (And trust, there were the people who had to make nasty comments about what happened, but you know what? 0 craps given.) The officer told me that I was doing a GOOD thing. That kids should be outside playing. He also said that one thing he runs into all the time are kids of helicopter parents. He said these parents hover over their child’s every move, thinking they are doing the right thing. He said that he sees the end result of that, where if a parent goes to the store and runs 10 minutes late back, the kids (old enough to stay home themselves) the kids freak out because they don’t know how to cope for a few moments outside of expectation when the parents aren’t there. He sees a lot of kids without some basic life skills, because they have never been taught them or had to learn them. When I recounted this to E she thought it was really interesting, and we discussed how true this probably is.
Statistically, we are at a time of lower crime, but more ways to communicate it. Our kids in some ways are probably safer than we were when we were younger. Yet parents are more protective and are helicoptering. I have seen parents call their grown children out of work. I have seen parents doing laundry for grown children. How did we get here, where we are so focused on our children that we have stifled them?
One of the greatest feelings I had as a kid was the feeling of being trusted with responsibility. I felt so grown up, and appreciative of any new independence, that I worked hard to keep the privilege. As a kid, I flew overseas by myself! I traveled 3000+ miles myself, with some oversite from the airline. I arrived, got my bags, and found my ride. I navigated airports like a pro. When I traveled with my parents, they had me tell them where to go, what our next steps were, etc. In time, I learned my way around our frequented airports, knew how to travel responsibly, and became comfortable that I could manage travelling on my own. If I got separated from my parents, I knew I had a plan to stay safe and find help. I knew road safety on my bike. I knew how to speak to adults, how to navigate my corner of the world, and even another area of the world. I walked comfortably across town at 12 years old in a town overseas. It saddens me that after being pushed to hover over my kids, I have neglected to teach them some life skills, not for not wanting to, but for not thinking of them. Why? Because I handled everything for them. The more I talk to people, the more I notice parents having the same revelations. This year, I am going to teach my kids the process of navigating an airport and how to travel safely. Time to let them fly, just not by helicopter parenting.