Messy Thoughts

The other day I went to drop off my daughter at a friend’s house.  The mom, who I am friends with, looked at me and said “are you ok? you look very tired”.  Which, of course is the PC way to say “girl, you look like shit.  What the hell happened to you?” Well, first off, I had no makeup on, so part of it is that’s just my face.  Second, I’m pale, having spent no time in the tiny amount of nice weather we’re having.  Thirdly? My brain is shot.  Oh, and I have kids. And I work full time. And life is full of bullshit.

I realized today when someone told me I should go to yoga because they had gone and had a blissful experience of having a blank canvas for a mind for an hour, that my brain never shuts down unless it’s asleep, and even then it’s still running, full steam ahead.  I just don’t remember half of it.  At any given time, my brain is keeping track of all the tasks that need doing, the world around me, scheduled events, etc. If I sat here and listed off some of the chaos in my brain it would seem like I never ending series of jobs to do peppered with random thoughts.  It’s messy.

In the past 15 minutes alone:

  • I need to pull all of the items out from under the kitchen sink. I have no idea where to put them, but they need to come out for the dishwasher delivery tomorrow.  Speaking of which, how freakin’ happy am I to finally get a new dishwasher? I am not a pioneer woman. I have grown accustomed to that small luxury and I cannot wait to have it back.  Although we need someone to install it, and I have no idea when they can do it.  I cannot wait to run that first load of dishes.
  • My mom’s old car.  I love it and it brings me joy, but again this morning, there is a small issue with it.  Luckily there is a place locally that can resolve it but I need to come up with some extra cash flow to do it.
  • I need to remember my hair appointment. My god I can’t wait.  Nothing better than having your hair done.  I need some fire.
  • The whole house needs cleaning.  This is overwhelming.
  • How many fake fucking accounts can one person have?  At least they are easy to find.  Scumbadee.
  • One phone call.
  • I really need a quiet weekend with nothing to do except jobs that need doing.
  • I need to say “no” more.  The year of “yes” was great, but it’s important to learn both.
  • Passports. When? How much? When we got them last time I barely remember. Have to get those done, I don’t want to run a risk of not getting them in plenty of time.
  • Why does the cat make that little dripping sound when he snores?
  • Glycolic.  Definitely the way to go.
  • I need a better mop.
  • What was that good travel site I read about?
  • I need to read more. I want that Bianca book, but do I get it in paperback, kindle or audiobook for the car?
  • I love holding and reading books but I don’t need any more physical books in the house.
  • My new sweatshirt makes me laugh and brings me joy.
  • I need to weed through all of our clothes and get rid of over half of them.
  • I’d rather be that asshole that tells the unpopular truth every time as opposed to the alternative.
  • The end of the school year is chaos.
  • I need to resynch all my calendars and make sure I have everything on them.
  • I need to get better about putting stuff in my calendar and not saying “I’ll remember…no need to worry” because I sure as hell won’t remember.
  • The laundry room.  Bane of my existence.
  • Dinner.  I need to make it.  Last night’s was so good I feel like I have to stay on par.

That was in 15 minutes.  15 minutes my brain ran through all of that.

That’s all the chaos in my head in 15 minutes. And I read that list again…and I understand why I am tired all the time!  It seems like there are always way more things to do that seconds in a day.  I need to really scale back and start simplifying.  I need to say “no” more.  I need to end a lot of extra nonsense.

The only problem is, to get to the simplified stage takes a lot of work.

No wonder I’m tired.


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