A former coworker/friend of mine declared that she considers her birthday her actual “New Year”. She said that every year on her birthday she takes stock of her life, sets some goals, and makes some changes. She also takes some time for self care and to celebrate another year. I wondered why she did this on her birthday as opposed to the standard January 1st, but I surmise it’s because in a sense, a birthday is a bit more of a personal day. The more I thought about her practice of her birthday New Year, the more I liked the positive atmosphere that surrounded it.
Tomorrow is my birthday. My 44th birthday to be precise. And it’s such a weird damned birthday.
For starters, I have two kids currently suffering from the flu and I feel like we are just trying to make it through each day this week. That flu is no joke. It’s spreading like wildfire and I had been hopeful we’d make it through unscathed, but I was wrong. It’s been a rough few weeks. The brakes went on our car, and the check engine light was on. We got all that fixed, just to then get a screw in the tire and the check engine light came back on. Car taxes are due, car emissions is due (can’t get it done with the check engine light on!) and of course money is extra tight because we both missed work after my surgery. Add to that issues with an bpd stalker, and other nonsense, and it’s all…well, exhausting. Oh yes, and my house is a wreck, but that’s par for the course.
I’m tired, y’all. I’m just tired of it all.
Yet I know that this too shall pass. Well, except the messy house part, because let’s be real honest….it hasn’t had much improvement since I started this blog. I have two kids, two pets, work full time and I work opposite hours from my spouse. This is how it’s gonna be if I’m honest. The kids asked me what I wanted for my birthday. “Well, I’d like to get a massage or something relaxing, come home to a tidy house, and eat cake with you guys”. Their response? “we’re going to apologize right now. cake and a massage may happen but you’re out of luck on the house bit.”
It’s funny. I don’t feel 44. Not even a bit. Well, at least not mentally. The husband and I were talking tonight and we agreed neither of us feel this old. We talked about how things were when we were 34, and how did 10 years slip by so darned quickly? My theory was that we had kids, we had the lives of parents of 2 kids, and life moves FAST. Maybe we were too busy to see those 10 years fly by us. We see other people at 44 and we don’t feel we quite look that old yet. Vain assholes, aren’t we? For real, though. How many of you have seen someone you thought was way older than you and you find out they are in fact younger than you? Happens to me quite a bit. Sometimes I wonder if I look far older than the person I see in the mirror. Perhaps my increasingly poor eyesite is fooling me into thinking I look half decent, only to live as a swamp beast in the real world. Well, I comfort myself with “at least I can’t see what a travesty I may look like”. As a friend put it today, “I still feel like a 15 year old. A 15 year old that gets beat up everyday, but a 15 year old nonetheless.”
Of course with all the crappo stuff going on, it doesn’t feel very birthday-y. In fact, it feels a bit like I want to skip the day altogether. The extra layer of suck that’s lingering over my head is that honestly, I miss my mom. She’s been gone almost 12 years and I still miss her daily. I think she was almost more excited about my birthdays that I was. After all, it was also her day too in a sense. She always went big for birthdays. Any birthday was a big deal to celebrate in her eyes. Birthdays=life=worth some cake and some fun! With her gone, somehow things sparkle a little less.
By the same token, I am happy to have this birthday. Happy for another day. Many people won’t get that tomorrow. One of my best friends, who was my age, didn’t get to see 43, and he won’t see 44 either. It does make you appreciate a birthday when you look at it that way.
So tomorrow is the first day of another age for me. How will I spend it? Working, at least for part of it. My husband is sending me out for some “me” time, whether it be a massage or a pedicure, or going to see a movie. Then tomorrow evening it’s back to hang out with my favorite sickies for some cake and laughs. I haven’t had much thought towards goals for this year. Perhaps tomorrow when I have some quiet time I’ll give it some thought. All I know for now is it’s time to take stock of what is working and what isn’t, and move accordingly. Right now, I’m in a swing of bad luck, but in the grand scheme of things, life’s really quite awesome. I have always found that life is a series of elevators. What goes up, must come down, and even when things are down, they typically go right back up again. Life is always moving. Sometimes people are on the ride with you, and sometimes not.
I may be a little old lady at 44. I love my early nights, my heating pad, and yes, I wish people would sometimes get off my lawn. Sure, we may be in a sea of humidifiers, vicks, tylenol, essential oils, tamiflu, car problems, money issues, and other stuff, but we’ll find out way through. I’m determined to get us all through what life throws at us. That being said, I guess I am looking forward to another year. Things have been pretty fabulous so far.