This week has been a big, swirling, steaming pile of horseshit.
I won’t get into too many details, but any time you have to deal with the government or government workers who are ovewhelmed and working on a flawed system, you’re in for a suckfest of a ride. That, combined with raging PMS, a chaotic week, and general day to day chaos, made me one small step away from being a mental patient this week. I was cranky, and grumpy, and more rage-y than usual. I apologized to the kids for being a bit short tempered this week. The Laid Back Kid, who is almost always agreeable, said “It seemed like you had a stressful week. I don’t blame you for being grumpy. My question is though, why do you get so stressed out”?
I thought about it.
I thought about it some more.
“On a basic level, it’s not just the physical stuff of running around, commuting and driving around, and daily tasks. It’s that my brain doesn’t seem to ever shut down” I said. “I spend all day, every day, doing a constant rundown of thoughts, generally about what has been done, what needs to be done, how best to do it, when it needs to be done by, and how to keep everyone safe, happy and healthy while doing it.”
“That sounds exhausting, Mom.” He responded.
“It is, Let me give you an example of just some of what my brain is doing all day”
Here is a rundown of just SOME of the things running through my brain druing the day.. (Warning, this is going to make your brain want to melt.)
“Ugh, I don’t wanna. I just don’t wanna. Can I call out today? I ache all over and feel like I haven’t slept in weeks. No, I can’t. I have to get him to camp, and I need to make his lunch, get his clothes ready, and hopefully get us there in time. I can’t be late. Why am I always late? Ok, I’m up, I’m up. Don’t step on the dog, I need to cut the dog’s nails. It’s just so hard because he hates it and really, I should go to the vet or the groomer, but I don’t have the money. Ugh, I’ll do it later. Maybe tonight. What am I doing tonight? I know I have to be somewhere. Oh jeez, I need to run him to a birthday party right after camp. Can’t be late. Shoot, I don’t have a gift. I FORGOT THE GIFT! I’ll go on my lunch break. Damn, I can’t, I have to grab some shorts for the kids on lunch. I’ll grab a gift card on my 15 minute break. How much is the right amount for a school friend’s birthday gift card? Don’t want to give too little, but I don’t have that much until payday. Damnnit. I’ll figure it out. I need to take a shower. My hair, oh sweet cheese and crackers, look at this hair. Thank God I am getting it colored tomorrow because the amount of grays gets worse every time they appear. How did I get so old? I don’t feel that old, but my hair looks old. Maybe I should change my hair. Change the color? Change the cut? Def not the cut. remember that time I got it cut and I looked HUGE? I don’t look good with short hair but I love sexy little short hair cuts. It isn’t meant to be. Why is this bathroom such a mess? Put the seat down boys. Ugh, I need a whole new toilet seat. No money this week, maybe next week. It would be nice if I could sea enough to put my eye makeup on. How did I go from 20/20 vision to this bad? Dr says it’s because my eyes are getting old. I should be grateful to age, some people don’t get the chance. PAUSE. Think of mom, she didn’t get the chance, stop being so sad about aging, be glad for it. Seasons change. I am lucky to have the friends I do.I can’t believe we have been friends for so long. How long? OMG, how is that possible? I am old. I guess I am also lucky for the realization some friends weren’t my friends at all. It sucks. God it does, but in the long term it is better to know and move forward on my own. Ok, so what do I have to do today? get him to camp, work, get him from camp, get him to party, run to get giftbag for niece’s part, run home to wrap gifts and do dishes, pick him up, go to sister in law’s to pick up other child, hang out for a bit to relax before coming home to get the kids to bed, who I know will be overtired, but hopefully they can sleep tomorrow while I get my hair colored. Once I get back from the salon I need to get everything together and packed up for the party…where are all the swimsuits? Shit. I don’t know where my swimsuit is. Oh crap…crap crap, I said I would bake cookies. When I can I bake cookies? I need to get the rest of their back to school stuff done. Tomorrow night, I need to prep for Sunday’s outing. I am looking forward to that, kind of can’t wait, but so much stuff to be prepped and ready, not to mention I need tickets. I hope the weather is good. That reminds me, if the person watching TD Monday,switches their flights, I need to find someone else to watch her. Wait, her? THEM. he has no camp or school. God I need to plan better. Should I work from home? Or will that be frowned upon? I may need to work from home thursday when we have orientation. Shoot. I will need to find a new plan. I need to go grocery shopping before school starts,. That reminds me, I need to….what did it remind me of? Oh Yes, I need to get a grocery list together from my pins so I can give a shot at using the crockpot so we don’t need to eat so late after we get back from work/school. I know the boy will be picky, hopefully I can find something he will eat. I need to be tougher on him about the pickiness, at least a little bit. I think that the only way we can get out the door when school starts is to pack lunches the night before (but won’t the bread get soggy? How do other mom’s get around this problem? I hate soggy sandwiches!) and I’ll also need to put clothes out the night before. I’ll also need to prep dinner for the next day the night before. Jeez! It feels like I am living the next day before the present day even begins! It feels like I don’t have time to myself these days. Oh well, As long as I can watch RuPaul’s drag race, I’ll be ok. That’s just an hour a week, right? When is the new season? Last season wasn’t as good as the others, I hope they do better next time. I want to go to a drag show. So much fun! But then I need a sitter, and money, and plans…and oh my gosh it makes me tired thinking about it. I need to think about what we will have for dinner tonight. I’m hungry. I’ll eat when I get to work. What am I going to wear today? Shoot, can’t find anything I am looking for!! We’re going to be late! I haven’t even made his lunch yet!”
THAT IS BEFORE I HAVE EVEN DRIED MY HAIR.
Did your eyes cross and your brain melt from all of that? Mine did! That is from the time I get up, take a shower, slap on some makeup, and before I even get dressed or dry my sopping wet hair. That? Right there? Is why I am stressed out. My brain rattles on an inner dialogue of everything I need to do, all the time. It analyzes, has commentary, panics,, calms itself down, and begins again. A running calendar, timetable, spreadsheet, of all that must be done, when it must be done, and the logistics of how it will get done. It runs a to do list rivaling major companies at times. This insanity continues all day. It’s ADD-like in nature, bouncing from one thought to the next, then backing up reminders of what I need to do. People tell me to right it in a calendar, then I can relax. I countered this with the time I forgot to jot down a major thing, and forgot about it, trusting my calendar more than my brain’s calendar. Needless to say, I missed the event, and felt a fool. I’ve been hesitant ever since.
I look at this and cringe. No wonder I am so tired. So stressed. So chaotic and crazy. In some ways, the constant stream of information keeps me on top of things, and I manage fairly well under pressure. But sometimes? It’s tiresome. I saw a cartoon once of a woman whose brain was doing the same thing, and I suddenly felt not so alone. How do I find the quiet? The calm? How on earth do you supermom’s get it all done, and still have time to relax at least a tiny bit? Share with me. Share your secrets, so that my brain can be quiet.