Let my humiliation amuse you. My year end gift to you.

Well, look at that, loveys!  2012 winding to an end!  I am constantly amazed that I make it through from day to day as a semi normal person, because to be honest, I attract the weird, wacky and strange.  My life is generally a comedy of errors, with those errors happening on my own behalf.  I the spirit of disclosure, I will share a few of these, if only to garner a little smile.  Some you may have heard from twitter, but I will give you more details on how much of an ass I make of myself.

I should preface this by saying that I consider myself to be a relatively intelligent human being.  I am no Stephen Hawking, but I manage to get by.  My son agrees with this theory, so much so that he announced in a crowded Target store the other week “You know, Mommy…..people would be very surprised if the really knew you.  You may not look very smart, but you really are!”  The choking laughter of my husband in the next aisle made that mother-son bonding moment extra special.   My son thinks I am smart, because frankly, I’ve taught him some pretty big concepts.  Shoe tying, potty training, reading….I am the go to gal.  However I am now in the precarious position of having a 6 year old who is starting to recognize there are areas in which his dear, sweet, amazing, fabulous in ever way mother (too much?) miiiiiggghhhtttt be lacking just a smidgen.   Areas such as math.  I USED to be good in math.  I’m not sure what happened.  My mathematical skills are lacking these days, I freely admit.  I learned this on Saturday when we went to the vets with the dog.  My son asked me a mathematical question that left me….perplexed.  I looked at the vet.  She looked at me.  I said “you went to school longer than I did…do you know?”  My son said the answer and we both said “yes, that sounds about right”.  So the answer to “are you smarter than a first grader?” would likely be “I’m not so sure about that.”

Before Christmas, I decided to explain to said first grader the importance of watering our tree.  I climbed underneath the tree, gimpy spine crackling and popping like cereal, and watered our tree.   My problem occurred when I realized the tree had somehow gotten sap all over my hand.  So I did what any smart thinking person would do in that situation….I panicked and did what I often do when nervous, I rubbed my face.  I then had a slight dilemma.  My cheek was stuck to my nose. My eye was gummed open.  Only one eye blinked. I looked, quite honestly, like an asshole.  The gravity of my assholishness became apparent when the 6 year old and his 2 year old looked at me in abject horror and pity.  “Mommy, what you do to yer FACE?” yelled my daughter.  Sigh.  As I tried to unstick my face from my face, I became more sticky, and more prone to looking like Sloth from the Goonies.  My children looked at each other sadly.  Their mommy…fails.

One of my favorite Idiot Girl moments, didn’t TECHNICALLY involve me being an idiot.  Yet it still warrants attention because even when I am not pulling idiot moments, I gather others around me who will.   Many moons ago, before I met Mr Messy, I went out on a dinner date with a young gentleman.  The plan was to go for dinner, and then go in Georgetown, DC for the evening.  After nom nom’s at a local pub, we got on the highway.  We got maybe a 3rd of the way to Georgetown when he announced he needed to go home….he wasn’t feeling well.  I was driving, and disappointed, but complied.  As I got back on the highway to head home, the young man farted.  In my car.  On a date.  Hmph.  I tried to look on the bright side, figuring I had now earned the right to return the favor without embarrassment someday.  heh.  But then I heard a noise that I can only describe as someone farting in a bowl of pudding.  It was deep, it was dark, and friends…it was wet.  I knew.  I knew that bastard had just sharted in my car.  I wanted to cry.  He looked at me, and I looked at him.  I swung off the highway and pulled into a gas station.  “OUT.  Go fix that” was all I could choke out.  He came out a few minutes later and looked surprised I was still sitting there.  I was surprised too, but mostly, I was in shock and paralyzed by the smell that had taken over my car.  I heard a kathump, I didn’t know what it was.  He got back in.  I suddenly realized he had put something in the trunk of my car.  DID HE JUST PUT SHITTY DRAWERS IN MY TRUNK? Oh hell no.  We began to argue.  Finally, I just peeled out of the parking lot and took off to head home…I mean really…I wasn’t gonna go digging those nasty undies out of my car, now was I?

So there I was.  On a date, with captain crapper at my side, zipping down the toll road, when I heard another pudding fart.  It took everything I had not to punch him in the neck and kick him out of the car.  I thought about it.  I won’t lie.  I thought about it right up until I saw red white and blue in my rear view mirror.   You know the old Burt Reynolds Smokey and The Bandit movies?  Yeeeah.  You remember the cop?  Yeeeaaah.  that’s pretty much who pulled me over.  Mirrored Raybans, southern drawl, and puffed out chest.  He asked me why I was speeding.  I responded that my date had “defecated in my vehicle”.  That made his lip twitch.  He asked if I had been drinking.   I told him no.  He didn’t believe me….that is, until he leaned down and took a HUGE whiff in the car to check for alcohol.  Oh dear, now imagine his surprise.  “son, did you defecate in the lady’s car?” he boomed.  “yes, yes sir”.  “Now why on God’s green earth would you do something like that?”  “officer, not only that, but he put his drawers with that depravity in my trunk!”

I got off the ticket.

I’ll try to summon up some more humiliation for later.

Stay safe this New Years.  No matter who you spend it with, or what you do…you are loved.  Remember that.

Messy XX




“And YOU get an edit of fail, and YOU get an edit of fail, and YOU and YOU and YOU” RHOBH

Bravo is having a good old time giving out the edits of fail this year on RHOBH.  While I too get caught up in it all, I have to occasionally step back and try to decipher what’s more of the truth and what is just incredibly slanted editing.  The best part is that it changes from year to year, as well!!  Sure, the producers will say it’s so we see a different side of these ladies, but much of it is to characterize and slot the women into the roles they want them to play.  Let’s take a look, shall we?

Let’s start with the woman of many names…Taylor.  Let’s face, it, most of the viewers don’t care for Taylor.  They always have to have one person on that people love to hate, and I surmise she wins that contest.  Taylor started out the season doing her “Walk a Mile in Her Shoes Charity”, which, I will admit, is a VERY worthy cause.  Taylor’s domestic issues aside, whether true or false, should not take away from the domestic violence cause.  I find it amusing though that they start off with Taylor trying to do good, yet temper it all with her mean girl attitude and gossiping about Brandi.  Then they sprinkled on rude alcohol fueled behavior at Yolanda’s, and peppered it all with a season full of facial muggings, twitches, and over-acted responses.  I really wish i could make a soundless video of just Taylor’s face struggling to make sarcastic and over zealous expressions.  I think she works against the Botox and fillers and the end result is somewhat terrifying or fascinating.  They absolutely give her the edit of fail, but she gives them way too much material to work with.

Brandi.  Poor Brandi.  I really like her, and I wish her well.  They have portrayed her as someone who just can not shut up, and it’s sad.  The cut up montage of Brandi talking about Adrienne was done clearly to present the image she spent the entire night talking only about Adrienne.  The fact they cut out the “BIG SECRET” Brandi leaked was done for one of two reasons.  Either Adrienne has threatened Bravo to “law up” if they showed it, or they wanted to portray it as SO bad they just COULDN’T show it.  End result?  Viewers are pissed, and most of us don’t give a shit.  I think they have portrayed Brandi as this horrible loose cannon all season that can’t keep her mouth shut.  I think she can…she certainly has about some things.  What Brandi has on her side is that fans like her honesty, her ability to say she messed up, and she has Lisa on her side.  She also seems nervous and anxious much of the time around these women, and I think that’s why the mouth opens.  She has shown great kindness to Kim though.  Even when they try to give her a bad edit, I think Brandi succeeds in remaining likeable.

Kyle: Kyle’s edit shows Mauricio dropping cash like it’s pennies this season.  Kyle appears to be trying to get the “I’m just trying to be fair, kind, and likeable” edit, yet she doesn’t quite get it.  The whole scene with Faye charging after Brandi after being briefed by Kyle is case in point.  I want to like Kyle, and sometimes I really do, but then she stumbles and goes back to mean girl.  She seems to get the schemer edit, although they almost handed it off to Taylor with her “she’s slept with everyone! montage against Brandi.

Adrienne and Paul.  Oof.  Adrienne seemed rather likeable before.  I liked she was in charge of her businesses, and I enjoyed her whimsicle tinsel in her hair.  I did.  Even though her face leans towards plastic elfian, I still liked her.  But then she became when less likeable when she proved she had no sense of humor.  “Crackpot” was too much for her to bear.  The hoof made her irate.  Really, Adrienne?  If nothing else, it solidified you even have a shoe business in people’s heads.  I have no idea what your shoe business is called, but I sure as shit know the “Maloof Hoof”!  And seriously, woman to woman?  Unless we are swinging from poles, most of us aren’t gonna purchase the “Hoof covers” you’re hocking us, because us average women don’t wear them, and rich ladies with some semblance of taste aren’t going to wear stripper shoes in broad daylight.  THEN we have you screaming about Russel last year and lawsuits, but you dropped the L word yourself this season.  Welcome to hypocriteville! THEN we have the fact that while you and Paul are playing pretend house this season, we all know it was a sham.   THEN there is the fact your creepy chef is carrying nekkie pics of you banged up on his phone.  Um, what?  And he leaked them right when you wanted to go for divorce and fight child custody battles.  You didn’t leak them of course, winky winky wink.  You didn’t spew hatred and allegations against Paul…you had other people do it. You dumped a story about Brandi in the mags but grilled Lisa for doing so when she hadn’t.  See, that’s the thing, Adrienne, you do your nasty biz in  a passive aggressive, sneaky, backhanded way.  It’s clear as day, and girlfriend, you can’t even cry edit of death because you played your story out off camera too.

Kim: I like they are showing you sober and trying to take charge instead of being a wallflower.  The problem is, you’re still a little flighty and ya kind of come off as not so nice at times.  Unimpressed you implied you’d blow off your niece’s birthday.  Unimpressed by the start of the Brandi and Adrienne issue at Mauricio’s party.  Kim so clearly holds so much bitterness at Kyle it’s kind of depressing.  Did Kyle kill Kim’s puppy during childhood or something? Or is Kim mad Kyle outed her drinking?  What’s the back story there?  Maybe I missed it.  The editing of prom and Kim sitting the background tossing a chicken salad by hand was HILARIOUS and totally random.  Did we miss something there?  or was it purposely left out to make her look a little cray cray?

Yolanda:  was Yolanda put on the show as the Bionic Woman to show the inadequacies of all these failing American women?  Her house is bigger, her fridge is fancier, her looks at events are impeccable, her manners are apparently far superior…..To be honest, she bores me.  I don’t feel the fun.  I feel over achiever, “I’ve done it all before…better than you” attitude.  I don’t feel fun from her.  I like a bit of fun.  Kyle, for her issues on the show, at least drops a split and gets a little wild.  I think she might be fun to hang out with.  Yolanda makes me feel like I would never be good enough, nor would it be a laid back time.

Lisa: Dammit, I love Lisa, and I’ll say it time and time again.  Lisa got the Mommy at home, Balls to the wall at work edit this year.  This has been a growing trend.  Lisa shows she can be a real laugh, but she doesn’t mess around.  I like that she’s honest, but tactful.  I like that she didn’t put Adrienne on blast for the jungle that was sent, but read the card and let it sit for what it was.  I like she doesn’t bullshit.  She doesn’t like you…you don’t exist.  She doesn’t go ghetto, she doesn’t pick a fight or try to get people on sides.  She says what she thinks, and stands her ground.  Lisa will take an apology, but she doesn’t forget. I love her relationship with Ken.  For all the jokes, there is love there from what I can see, and that makes me happy.  I enjoy her signature Pink.  I think they are certainly giving her the sweet at home/big boss lady edit this season, even with a mob style sit down with one of the employees.  Wait to lay the foundation for her spin off show about the business.  Interesting that she is so friendly with Brandi yet has Brandi’s ex’s former mistress working for her.  Simply put, Lisa keeps it compartmentalized.  Me? I’d be like…”you gots to go!” but hey, that’s why she’s got the big bucks, right?

So Lovey’s do tell….what are your thoughts on the cast and the edits they get?  Do Tell!

Happy holidays!

Love, Messy xx





Surviving the holidays, “Messy Style”. (or, my tips and tricks to survive mentally and financially”

Oof, it’s been a while since I posted! I have been mulling over blog topics to post about and mostly came up with stuff I’d get hate mail about, so i figured I try something that hits a broader audience, and maybe do some good. Don’t get me wrong, I am sarcastic and bitter with a twist of evil most days, but I find myself WANTING to do better…be better. It warms my cold little frosty heart, you know. Frosty being a key word this time of year, i thought I would share my tips and tricks to surviving the holidays and keeping your heart warm and fuzzy. I find this time of year is either full of joy and laughter, or expense and frustration. For me, it’s usually the latter.

We celebrate Christmas in our house. When I was a kid, Christmas was huge in our family. My mom LOVED Christmas and always went over the top with everything. I remember it being magical and special.After my mom passed away, Christmas lost a bit of the magic for me. I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder as well (basically depression that sets in due to the lack of sunlight during winter months) so this time of year has it’s struggles on a different level too. Yet I WANT the magic. I want that feeling of joy and anticipation from childhood. I want my kids to experience all of that! As the holidays get closer though, I feel the grinch start pushing his way into my little joyfest, and that is simply unacceptable.

Shopping: ah, the shopping. This is one of my great frustrations, first of all because I am generally one step away from being broke ass, and second of all because it requires dealing with people on a crowd level when everyone is distracted, selfish, and pushy. I literally had a massive panic attack in a department store a few years ago, which resulted in me sobbing, sweating and begging to get out of the store. This should not be my holiday reality, but sadly it was. I generally run warm anyway, but the whole freezing outside so I have to wear a coat business really kills me when I have to go into warm stores. The crowds, the pushing, the shoving, and the noise is simply overwhelming to me. I’d love to be able to say I could make gorgeous home made gifts for my loved ones, but alas, I am not a great cook, nor am I inherently crafty. Thank goodness for online shopping! I try to get as much online as possible, as I can usually save money and sanity all in one fell swoop. I can also do it in the middle of the night, with a hot cup of peppermint tea and a bad reality show rerun playing the background. Heck, if I really want atmosphere I can play Christmas music, but the good stuff, (Is there any good Christmas music?). I save the trips to the stores for a quiet morning or late at night when I can have my husband watch the kids while I peruse. Some tips I’ve found that are helpful to save money are as follows:

  • http://www.Retailmenot.com I use this website/app with every online purchase. This site lists coupon codes for just about every major store. I grab these codes to snag discounts, free shipping, and all sorts of benefits.
  • If you have Bank of America, check out their “deals” program. by choosing certain deals they have available, you can save money and also get money back, which is deposited directly into your account, just by using your Visa check card/debit to purchase an item. I’m willing to bet other banks have similar benefits.
  • If you work for a big company or have ADP as your paycheck processing company (which many do) check into their discount program. They offer big discounts and WOW points, which can be used towards purchases. Bank of America corporate has one that anyone can join by invitation by someone signed up. Keep an ear out! You can score big savings through these sites, and they are great for HUGE restaurant savings for a night out after shopping!
  • Keep an eye out for those entertainment book of coupons (sold at various places and I think Costco may have them as well. My son’s school had one for sale that was specifically done by local stores and businesses. I paid 25 bucks for hundreds of dollars of savings. Big score.
  • Keep checking back on websites. They will offer a lot of sales this time of year, and not always when you think. I scored my daughter’s gift for a huge chunk off the retail price by shopping Thanksgiving night online. Black Friday and Cyber Monday, the prices went up, and they offered a bogo 1/2 off sale. I only needed the one, so i scored!
  • Use sites like http://www.pricegrabber.com to price out items. They don’t target all the websites out there, but they do hit a lot. You can price compare from the comfort of your home.
  • ww.nowinstock.net is a website that monitors when items you have selected go back in stock, and will notify you so you don’t have to constantly check sites! More time to bake, or in my case, EAT cookies!
  • Making gifts, if you’re truly crafty, can be an amazing way to give someone something personalized.
  • Broke? Have a dear friend who has kids? Give her coupons for a free night or afternoon of babysitting. It shows you’re willing, able, and are offering, which removes ALL the guilt we sometimes feel about asking for a sitter when we need our hair done, or just some peace and quiet. I would KILL for this gift. Yet nobody ever thinks to give it to me. Are you a good cook? Bake a freezable dinner for that busy mom who looks frazzled or has no time? Or show up with chocolate, cheese and a cheap bottle o’wine for a good old fashioned girls night in. I find it’s not what I get, but the love that’s offered with or the though put into it. Unless it’s a diamond, in which case substance matters. (yes, for those wondering, my husband found out about my little blog, so that nugget of humor is for him. Love you honey!)

For those struggling to get into the holiday spirit, TRY. I’ve been there, it’s hard sometimes. Especially if you’ve recently lost a loved one or have had a relationship end. If you’ve recently lost a loved one, trying not to think about them in hopes you can muddle through is generally not always the best plan. For me? After I lost my mom I chose to do a few things to honor her in order to bring her memory closer to my kids and I. I have an ornament with my mom’s picture on it. It’s the first ornament I hang up, and I always put it on the side of the tree I will see most. It was hard to look at it at first, but now it makes me smile. It inspires me to make Christmas as special for my kids as she made it for me. My mom loved teddy bears, and always got me the Harrod’s bear of the year. I can’t afford Harrod’s bears, but I do try to grab my kids a teddy bear. I know my mom would have loved that, and she would love the fact I get them one, as well as the fact I tell them that she always got me one. I also carry on private little traditions that remind me of my mom. They are small, and subtle, but carry on her legacy, which is important to me. On years I was single at the holidays, I found that the money I would have spent on my partner was best spent doing something fabulous for myself. No guy to buy me a gift? I’ll buy myself a fantasmagorical little treat. Why not? What’s that Rupaul says, “If you can’t love yourself, how the hellllllll you gonna love somebody else? Can I get an amen?” Yup, I showed myself a little love around the holidays! Accept invitations to parties (you might meet someone fabulous), grab time with friends to do silly or meaningful activities. Snag all the buddy time you can….after marriage and kids, silly nights with your friends are fewer in between. Take a trip, go somewhere fabulous and explore. Lastly, doing something kind for someone else will bring you out of a funk and out of your own head.

I learned this big time after Hurricane Sandy. if you go back a few blog entries, you can ready about my trip to Long Beach island NJ to deliver supplies to a family who lost everything. That trip now goes on my list of “Top Things I’ve done in My Life” because I left feeling enlightened, grateful, hopeful, and most of all, like for one person I had made a difference. I felt like Supergirl, just because I had made someone’s day a wee bit better. Not to mention I have made a life long friend out of it. Giving feels good. Making a difference in someone else’s life WILL make a difference in yours. Help. Give your time. Give blood even…there is always a high demand this time of year and one session of donating blood can save 3 lives! See? Instant superhero!! A bit of your time, a bit of energy, can make a HUGE difference to someone without you spending a cent. Foster a pet, or offer to do transit for pets needing homes one weekend. All little ways you can change a life and do something good for the world. I PROMISE you, you will feel like a million bucks.

Lastly, stop the procrastination. I myself am a huge procrastinator. I planned on writing this days ago, and you see what happened. I mean well, but frankly, I just get distracted so easily. Life takes over. I make excuses. I avoid, I put off, I hide from it. My house is a hot boo boo assed mess right now. Toys have taken over. I no longer have any control of the toys. Clothes are taking over too. I worry that one day I’m gonna look like a hoarder because everyone in the family has stuff…lotsa stuff. Couple that with dog and cat hair tumbleweeds that blow past me no matter how many times I sweep and vacuum, and I feel…disheartened. The thought of company makes me totally overwhelmed. Yet I persevere. Decorating for the holidays has certainly put me in the spirit this year, precisely because I’m almost last minute. This year, however, I got the decorations up right after Thanksgiving I am enjoying them. The twinkling of “fairy lights” as we call them in England make me feel cozy and happy. No matter what faith you are, grab yourself some lights in whatever color, and throw some up, even if it’s on a plant indoors. Instant happy. I find that starting a bit earlier has put me in the mood for the holidays, because I have surrounded myself with items/memories/people that make me feel happy and joyful. Even though the #dustbunnies are active and multiplying, I feel inspired to battle them, or maybe, with some low lighting, exist in a slightly more harmonious manner with them. When all else fail, low mood lighting and Christmas lights really do hide the dust!!

Lastly, if you have kids and don’t have an elf on the shelf, you are missing out on a great behavioral tool. True, it’s totally Big Brother, and uses the fear of spy tactics to get kids to behave, but jeez…with all the holiday stress, why not? My biggest fear is that I forget to move the little buggar. I did that last year and had to come up with a whole story about why he didn’t move and assure them he had not lost his “magic”. If you don’t have kids, get one anyway and take turns seeing who can hide him in the best spot or most x rated positions. Why not?

Now tonight I am off to write Christmas cards, so there may be some nefarious language gracing Twitter. Happy holidays!

Messy xx