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Keeping My Chin Up When Tears May Fall

I know most of my posts are housework related (my lack of skill at) or TV related (what I do instead of housework) but this one is going to be a bit different.  This one is going to be me opening up about something deeply personal.  I KNOW it might seem whiny to some, but right now, this is where my head is at, and if I don’t get it out now, here, I’ll crack when I need to most hold it together.  So pull up a chair, Loveys, and I will share with you my woes.

My mother passed away from cancer a few years ago.  I will likely share more details on this another time. I will tell you that even though we butted heads when I was younger quite a bit, she was my best friend as an adult.  I called her almost daily, and she would always make me laugh.  After I knew her diagnosis, and prognosis, I still held firm hope that she might just beat it.  It may have been an impossibility, but I still held that hope.  When I lost her, I felt as though I lost a limb.  My life as a “real” adult seemed to just be beginning, and my mother, who I wanted so badly to see my life was falling into place, would never witness it.

I’m an only child, and my dad and I have always been close.  We both felt like we lost our best friend when my mom died.  I think we both struggled terribly, albeit he kept his struggles more quietly from me.  He has been really great in supporting me in coping with the loss of my mom.

A couple of years ago, my dad started dating.  This hit me HARD.  After a lifetime of watching him and my mother in love, it seemed so strange and uncomfortable to see him with someone else.  I didn’t handle it well.  I think it was uncomfortable for everyone, and it got off to a rough start.  I felt like he was replacing my mom in a sense, and if not my mom, then replacing the life she SHOULD have had with someone else.  My father worked his butt off my whole childhood and often had to travel.  I asked my mom how she felt about it and her thought was that he was working hard to provide a future for us and that when he retired they would be able to do all these amazing things.  She didn’t live long enough to experience any of that.  My dad assured me he wasn’t replacing my mom, COULDN’T ever replace her, but I couldn’t get past it.

Fast forward to this week.

I’m attending a wedding this week.  My dad is marrying his girlfriend of a few years.  I am happy that he’s not alone, and that he has someone to share his life with.  I am making an effort with his girlfriend now, she is making one with me, and things are better.  They’re not perfect.  Not even close.  I wish I was closer to her now.  I wish we jumped in the car to go shopping together, or had more in common.  I wish there was an ease instead of guarded tension.  We’ve never fought…just victims of a sad situation that made impressions difficult I guess.  She’s ok.  She’s not my mom, but she makes my dad happy, and for that, I am happy.

My problem, Loveys, is that this wedding makes the fact my mom is gone so GLARINGLY apparent. It brings back all the hurt and pain of losing her.  While this may seem a bit of a “wah”, it IS.  Parents create us, mold us, and help us to become who we are.  They are our biggest cheerleaders, our great defenders, and our supporters.  To lose a parent is to lose a piece of who we are, our childhoods, our history.  While I am happy for them, right now, I feel a little lost.

I need to put on a brave face and celebrate this week when it’s all so bittersweet.  I need to pretend that this is all normal, when to me, in my heart, it doesn’t feel normal at all.  Normal was my life before Cancer destroyed a part.  This new normal highlights the loss of the old normal.  Even shopping for a wedding card was hard. I want to be so authentic with who I am but I think I’m gonna have to use a bit of a game face this week.  I have Mr. Messy and he’s gonna help me be strong.  Wish me well.

Oh yeah,

FUCK CANCER.

Messy. XX

 

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