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Monthly Archives: October 2012

Surviving Vegas (How I grew up and put unconditional love as my mantra)

I would like to start this post out by first thanking some of my Twitter followers (you know who you are) for the support you showed me over my last post.  All of you, strangers to me, who showed me such love and compassion…it really does bolster my faith in the human spirit!  This post will actually be dedicated to those who DM’ed me to tell me that you knew my pain on a first hand basis, or through your spouses going through the same situation.  The fact is, once you’ve lost a parent, you are the unwilling member of  the club nobody wants to belong to, but most become grateful for.  There is an understanding between all of us, and a support that you can’t find anywhere else.  To those of you who got it, this one’s for you.

The fact is, the trip went better than I thought.  Let me correct that, I was better than I thought I would be.  I don’t know where I drew the strength to hold it all together, but I did.  Why?  Because I realized that it’s not my dad’s fault my mom died.  It’s not his girlfriend’s fault either.  I can’t penalize my father and demand he remain alone for the rest of his life because none of this was his doing or desire.  I think if he had his choice, my mom would be alive and things would be as they were.  We just can’t always get what we want.  At the end of the day, I want me dad to be happy, because I love him.  I love my dad enough to wish him happiness even if it makes me uncomfortable, sad, or even angry at times.  That’s what love is.  I love him so much, I wanted to make his day happy, even if the situation highlighted to the utmost degree for me that my mom is gone.  The best way to do that, in my mind, was to just hold it together, put on a smile whenever I could, and maybe do something a little extra.

I knew going into this trip that the only way I could keep it together was to differentiate between my sadness of my mom (and how my dad marrying someone else put a big ol’ fat emotional spotlight over the fact she’s no longer here) and my love for my dad.  The two didn’t HAVE to go together on this trip. I also had support from my husband and 2 other family members that knew EXACTLY how hard it was going to be.

The ceremony was really nice.  I made sure not to drink too much, and I wrote and performed a speech for the bride and groom.  I forgot my glasses, and couldn’t read it in the moment, so I just winged it.  About half the guests made a point to come up to me to say how fabulous the speech was, and how impressed they were.  My dad grinned ear to ear.  I think he was proud of me.  The only really tough time where I struggled were on the few occasions when people came to talk to me about my mom.  I feel guilty now for not saying more, but if I had I know I would have cried.  Then came socially awkward woman…..

The day after the wedding, most of the guests got together for drinks.  One woman came up to me as I was preparing to leave and wanted to congratulate me on my speech. Then she went off track and mentioned she had heard much about my mother.  My husband sensed me tensing up.  The next thing I knew, the woman started saying “You know, my mother died too.  My dad got a new girlfriend, and I didn’t like her, no not one bit.  I had good reason, mind you!  She was a BITCH!  You know, if my dad got sick she would have run in the opposite direction!” There was more, but I think my brain turned a bit jellified and much of it after is a blur.  All I knew is that I was suddenly acutely aware that my dad’s new wife was standing right behind Social Awkward One.   I hope she didn’t hear and think *I* had started that conversation or had said anything about her.  I DO wonder what has been said about me to socially awkward one, however.  Has it been said I was slow to warm up to my dad dating in general, or dating the new wife?  Yuck.

I am home now.  There have been some tears as I think of my mom.  I guess I always felt like Marriage was forever, at least I want it to be for me, and also for my parents.  I suppose I forgot about the “until death do us part” section of the vows.  I miss her, and I am angry that she was taken so young.  I am angry that she is not living the life she should be.  I am sad that some of her possessions are now in another woman’s house.  I do take solace, however, that she has me to tell her story to her grandchildren.  I shall not forget her, and I shall bring her alive through pictures, stories, and the love I give to them.  I think she loved my dad enough to want his happiness now, and THAT is why I put my big girl pants on and acted like an adult.  I won’t pretend it was easy…there were times this weekend that were tough!  Like the moment when someone referred to my dad’s wife as my mom by mistake!   That was a dagger.  She is not my mom, she never will be.  Hopefully, she can be my friend, and a grandparent figure to my kids.  Hopefully, things will improve, if I make more effort towards that.

Oh yes, one other benefit of this trip was an amazing boost to my own marriage.  Mr Messy went above and beyond this trip to make anything he could less stressful.  I was so mindful of this, and so grateful for the love I share in my own relationship.  I guess that with work and kids, life’s stresses had taken us over.  I made every effort to let go of that, even under the circumstances of why we went.  It made a huge difference to be just him and I for a couple of days.  I think we will make the effort to get away, even if just for an overnight, once in a while.  My husband is my perfect match…I had just forgotten to tell him and show him that.

Thanks again for your support, loveys.  The kindness of strangers, yet it all means so much.  To all those who were or are in my shoes…know that you have my support and my ear.  If I can get through it, so can you.

Messy xx

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Keeping My Chin Up When Tears May Fall

I know most of my posts are housework related (my lack of skill at) or TV related (what I do instead of housework) but this one is going to be a bit different.  This one is going to be me opening up about something deeply personal.  I KNOW it might seem whiny to some, but right now, this is where my head is at, and if I don’t get it out now, here, I’ll crack when I need to most hold it together.  So pull up a chair, Loveys, and I will share with you my woes.

My mother passed away from cancer a few years ago.  I will likely share more details on this another time. I will tell you that even though we butted heads when I was younger quite a bit, she was my best friend as an adult.  I called her almost daily, and she would always make me laugh.  After I knew her diagnosis, and prognosis, I still held firm hope that she might just beat it.  It may have been an impossibility, but I still held that hope.  When I lost her, I felt as though I lost a limb.  My life as a “real” adult seemed to just be beginning, and my mother, who I wanted so badly to see my life was falling into place, would never witness it.

I’m an only child, and my dad and I have always been close.  We both felt like we lost our best friend when my mom died.  I think we both struggled terribly, albeit he kept his struggles more quietly from me.  He has been really great in supporting me in coping with the loss of my mom.

A couple of years ago, my dad started dating.  This hit me HARD.  After a lifetime of watching him and my mother in love, it seemed so strange and uncomfortable to see him with someone else.  I didn’t handle it well.  I think it was uncomfortable for everyone, and it got off to a rough start.  I felt like he was replacing my mom in a sense, and if not my mom, then replacing the life she SHOULD have had with someone else.  My father worked his butt off my whole childhood and often had to travel.  I asked my mom how she felt about it and her thought was that he was working hard to provide a future for us and that when he retired they would be able to do all these amazing things.  She didn’t live long enough to experience any of that.  My dad assured me he wasn’t replacing my mom, COULDN’T ever replace her, but I couldn’t get past it.

Fast forward to this week.

I’m attending a wedding this week.  My dad is marrying his girlfriend of a few years.  I am happy that he’s not alone, and that he has someone to share his life with.  I am making an effort with his girlfriend now, she is making one with me, and things are better.  They’re not perfect.  Not even close.  I wish I was closer to her now.  I wish we jumped in the car to go shopping together, or had more in common.  I wish there was an ease instead of guarded tension.  We’ve never fought…just victims of a sad situation that made impressions difficult I guess.  She’s ok.  She’s not my mom, but she makes my dad happy, and for that, I am happy.

My problem, Loveys, is that this wedding makes the fact my mom is gone so GLARINGLY apparent. It brings back all the hurt and pain of losing her.  While this may seem a bit of a “wah”, it IS.  Parents create us, mold us, and help us to become who we are.  They are our biggest cheerleaders, our great defenders, and our supporters.  To lose a parent is to lose a piece of who we are, our childhoods, our history.  While I am happy for them, right now, I feel a little lost.

I need to put on a brave face and celebrate this week when it’s all so bittersweet.  I need to pretend that this is all normal, when to me, in my heart, it doesn’t feel normal at all.  Normal was my life before Cancer destroyed a part.  This new normal highlights the loss of the old normal.  Even shopping for a wedding card was hard. I want to be so authentic with who I am but I think I’m gonna have to use a bit of a game face this week.  I have Mr. Messy and he’s gonna help me be strong.  Wish me well.

Oh yeah,

FUCK CANCER.

Messy. XX

 

Jill Zarin and the Worst Exit Interview Ever

Ah, Jill.

Jill, Jill…..Jill. Girl, what were you thinking? I’m not sure who in your life told you it would be a good choice to go on Bravo and effectively do an exit interview on national TV, but you need to punch them in the neck swiftly, and firmly.

The reason companies do an exit interview is generally to see why the employee is leaving, and to gather some of the employee’s thoughts. The reason Bravo TV does an exit interview, with someone they FIRED, a YEAR after the fact, is for ratings and viewers. What gathers ratings and viewers on Bravo? Train wrecks. You, my dear, provided the perfect train wreck, and then went on to brag that effectively, you train wrecking in slow motion was “trending”.

I know you probably felt like you ended the RHONY run as the bitchy one. Then again, maybe you didn’t. You called Alex an “f’ing bitch” but claimed last night you all were off for din dins right after that. Somehow, I think NOTSOMUCH. You whined your dog was not the favorite. You whined you were not the favorite. You whined your editing was not favorited. You pretty much said they replaced you with someone to BE you. You complained about the new cast. The complaints, the whining and the dissatisfaction droned on until all I could hear was the teachers from Peanuts singing in choir form “wah, WAH!”

And as I sat there, watching Andy look at you with a patronizing look of a therapist who wants to look like he empathizes but really wants to just take a shit instead of listening to people’s incessant whining, I felt bad for you.

Wait! Before you think you pulled me over to your side…..realize this. Jill, I don’t think people were gonna “switch sides” on ya. To be honest, the Housewives franchise is 100% a 15 minutes of fame kind of deal. Bethenny broke free of it, true. Bethenny won an army of fans and works so hard she barely has any time for anything else. She has built an empire on being thin…which is what most women in the US and much of the world yearn to be. But the rest? Who cares what Jo is doing. Who even remembers Jo? What about Jeanna, a few of the random blondes, and Kelly? Nobody cares. Alex is on a new show…only time will tell how that works out for her. But to be honest? Once you’re off, you’re off, and outta sight, outta mind my friend. You weren’t gonna sway anyone, because people aren’t thinking about you on a professional level these days on a regular basis. I don’t mean to be harsh, but it’s true.

Instead of bowing out gracefully you came back to complain on NATIONAL TV. It backfired. It may have even hurt future career prospects…nobody wants to hire the mouthy person who publicly makes noise about their former company. I cringe. I die. I can’t bare to think about it again, never mind watch it again.

Jill, get a new PR team, and surround yourself with truth tellers instead of yes people. People who will tell you that trying to get vindication a year after anyone wants to know will make you look kind of desperate. Oh yeah, and again, find the person who told you to proceed and punch em square in the neck!

Love,
Messy xx

The Messy Housewife Does the Laundry Battle

Laundry in our house is an overwhelming experience.  2 adults, one of whom is 6’2 and therefore has bigger clothes, plus 2 children’s worth means that much of my housekeeping time revolves around laundry.  On the whole, laundry is one area where I do pull what little domestic pride I have from.  I’m pretty handy at getting out stains, and Oxy Clean is my bestie in the laundry room.  When I worked as a waitress years ago, staff members commented my white shirts always looked new.  (Thank you oxy clean!)  The main reason I think I identify with the aundry is that it is so parallel for my personality and my life in general.

For starters?  The one thing I love about doing laundry is the challenge of making sure what goes in broken, comes out fixed.  I love the challenge of seeing a stain and getting it out.  I think on some level it makes me feel success in a housekeeping task where usually I feel a bit of a failure.  I love the smell of fresh laundry, the warmth of it when it comes out of the dryer, and the fluffiness.  Nothing makes me happier than sliding into bed when freshly laundered sheets are on.  Pure bliss.  I swear I sleep better on those days!

While I love the challenge, the softness, smells and all those goodies, doing laundry is like a drug for me.  The initial doing is the high, the folding and putting away part is my come down and low.  Socks are the bane of my existence. Hundreds off them in various sizes, colors, and styles, always mismatched and floating around.  Do you have any idea how far one sock belonging to a 2 year old can travel?  it’s like they walk off on their own.  Another question? how do kids socks gets so darned dirty when they are in shoes all day?  I washed the shoes…socks still dingy! Have I bred children who sweat dirt from their feet??  And just when I think I’ve got a handle on it….they outgrow those socks, so I have to buy a different style until I can weed out all the old socks to replace with the new.  All this focus on socks, and I realize while I am domestically lacking in other areas.

Then there is the putting away of the laundry.  Dear Loveys, I admit it with shame….anything clean and folded goes on the dryer….forever.  I am just not good at the whole putting away part.  Sometimes Mr. helps, other times the mount Vesuvius of laundry gets so high that I can’t reach the dials to turn the dryer on. Sometimes, what’s on top, falls down on to the hamper, so clean is mixed with dirty and I am washing the same item over and over! Then I know I have lost the battle.  Even after I put the huge mountain away, I realize the closets or overflowing, there are random other areas where clothes hide, and I wonder…why do we have so many clothes?  It amazes me that i have tons of clothes, yet wear half, and I STILL don’t look fabulous most of the time.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m presentable, but for all the work this laundry entails, shouldn’t I look unfrigginbelievably amazing?

Deep down, I know the laundry is a metaphor for my life.  I love a challenge, but after the challenge, I lose interest  I’m a procrastinator.  If laundry emulates life, can life emulate laundry?  Dirty, messy, jumbled,  until you work to clean it up and make it bright?  When you think you are most buried, you can shine it up and feel brand new? If I can just get a handle on the laundry, will I hold life by the balls? Beacsue really, what’s a few socks?  Oh, wait…..

Miss Messy xxx

Some quick tips:

Add a cup of vinegar to washes containing new dark clothes or when you get new jeans (wash them inside out).  It helps the color stay darker, longer.

Freshish bloodstains?  I use regular bar soap and cold water.  scrub with the soap and rinse well.  Usually does the trick.

Oxy Clean:  I love it for whites.  Less harsh than bleach (which can cause holes and yellowing) and really removes a good deal of stains.

Club soda: great for removing stains when used right away.

Hairspray is also good for “freezing” spills  until you can wash the item.  Spray on right when fresh.  It sticks to the stain, and when you wash, can help pull out the stain.

I’m not saying these are foolproof, but they help me on a daily basis!

 

 

 

 

Life Lessons from the Real Housewives?!?

The Mr. doesn’t understand my love of Real Housewives.  He lightly scoffs at my desire to watch multiple seasons, simultaneously.  I’ve tried on occasion to explain why I enjoy the shows but I’ve never really been able to articulate why.  Tonight I gave it some thought, and I realized that even during the madness of some episodes, I have learned some great life lessons from some of the housewives, and one in particular that I will get to later.  Love them or loathe them (or at least who they are on TV)  there is much to be learned.

From Gretchen and Tamra, I learned that sometimes, misjudgements on someone can cause a series of problems that can be difficult to get past.  Yet they CAN be overcome.  Sometimes friends can come from the most unlikeliest of places, from the most unlikely of histories.  A bit of humble pie and a willingness to admit mistakes can turn a relationship completely around.

From Kyle Richards, watching a loved one battle addiction is a constant battle of two opposites….the fight to help them and to hide the embarrassment they cause themselves, and the knowledge that sometimes you have to let go enough for them to hit bottom so they can get help.  That’s one of the hardest parts of loving an addict.  When you most want to hold them tight, to help them you must often let go.

From Jacqueline: She kept trying to have a baby, and held the hope no matter what happened.  When it did happen for her, it wasn’t necessarily what she envisioned.  She jumped into the mode of finding out whatever she could to help her son.  Nick is a beautiful little boy, and I have no doubt her efforts will help him to succeed in the long run.  This reminded me that sometimes, life takes you down a different path than you might have expected, but it’s just a different way that may make you take a bit more notice of the world around you, and will be just as amazing.

From Ramona: While people say they like a straight shooter, who tells it like it is, they kind don’t.  Sure, we all say we want the truth, but sometimes the truth needs a touch of padding and love behind it.  Blasting out what’s YOUR truth doesn’t mean it’s everyone’s truth.  Sometimes saying something hurtful even though it may have some truth to it doesn’t make you a hero…it just makes you kind of an asshole.

From Kim Z: Married men are never good for single gals.  A man that will cheat on his wife has a flaw in his morals and lacks courage.  Is that someone you want to be with?  The fact is, if you’re spending all your time with Mr wrong or someone you know is Mr. Right Now, a REAL Mr. Right isn’t going to want to get involved with you.  This goes for anyone in a relationship.  Don’t waste your time because you don’t want to be alone.  Someone who is right for you and has a strong moral character isn’t going to be around you if you’ve got one foot in a relationship with someone else.

From Cat:  If you say Bollocks, you will score points.  Immediately.  But only if you do it in a British Accent.

From Teresa: oh T, where do we begin?  Families have fights.  But loving people means that sometimes you have to recognize that relationships change.  Nobody can destroy you.  Only you can destroy you.  Never tolerate a spouse who talks down to you, treats you badly, or possibly cheats.  Why?  because while he’s treating you like garbage there’s a better guy who will treat you like a treasure!  Lastly, if everyone around you is saying you’re messing up, sometimes, you gotta look inward and figure out what they are seeing that you’re not trying to project.

Lastly, my favorite of all….comes from Lisa Vanderpump.  One night, after the Laid Back Kid had done me wrong, disobeyed his momma, and made me really angry, we talked it out.  At the end, I told him “always remember one thing…mommy loves you.”  I make sure to tell them that often.  I hope that becomes a catch phrase that when I start it, they finish it.  When I am gone, and they have strife…I want my kids to hear my voice in their head saying “always remember one thing…mommy loves you”

Thanks Lisa!

Night Loveys! xx

 

 

How not getting what I wanted gave me everything I need.

I’m going to step away from the TV chat this morning.  I’m going to also preface this blog post by saying that I’m not a big country music fan, nor do I follow any particular religion (although different strokes for different folks!).  The reason I say that is because all morning I’ve had a very old Garth Brooks song in my head that states “Some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers”,   If you’re not of the religious sort you could exchange God for Life and prayers for wants, and the message still stands true.  Much of what I’ve wanted in life hasn’t always been what I’ve needed. 

When I was younger, I always waffled on what I wanted to “be” when I grew up.  For a while it was a dolphin trainer, then a lawyer, then a psychologist. (None of these came to fruition).  I remember changing my mind along the way to “I want to get married, have kids, pets and be happy.”  That was my goal.  Everything else seemed like the icing on the cake.  Along the way though, there were numerous times that I wanted, no BEGGED life to give me what I thought would make me happy,  The boyfriend who wouldn’t commit that I believed would make me happy, the job that made me go for 5 interviews only to not hire me.  Even though I often say I want my house spotless, upon thinking about it this morning, I’m not sure I do.  Why?

That boyfriend I wanted to commit so bad?  He strung me along for years only to cheat and not be there when I needed him.  I swore to everyone that he was the one for me.  I wanted it to work.  Yet, I didn’t need it to. I learned a lot from that relationship.  My friends call me the runaway bride because I’ve been engaged a few times, but I always broke it off because deep down, I knew they weren’t right.  The best piece of advice my mother ever gave me was that if a man didn’t think I was priceless and “better than sliced bread” then he wasn’t the man for me.  That was the BEST advice I have ever received.  My Mr. is all I could have dreamed for, and all because I listened to my mommy and waited for the right guy rather than settling.

The job I wanted?  The one that made me go on about 5 interviews and take tests and put me through the ringer only to not hire me?  Ugh, the frustration and defeat they made me feel!  You know what happened to the person who did get hired?  Laid off, along with the rest of the office when they just closed it down!  Meanwhile, I got a different job, a few weeks later, that treats me well and I enjoy it. 

The spotless house?  Hmm. YES, the toys and clutter from everyone drives me mad, but with kids comes toys and stuff and thinks not always put away by them.  I’m an only child, so learning to share my space with not one person but 3 people has been a bit of a lesson.  I’d never trade my family for anything, and if a little clutter means I’m surrounded by love, then so be it.  If they would pick up their socks though, well that would be just dandy!

What I’m getting at, is that if I actually got what I wanted at the time, or what I thought I wanted, I wouldn’t have what I really need, or what I have now.  My life isn’t perfect. I don’t have everything I always want.  I do, however, have what I need to keep my base happiness factor solid.  I’ve learned to be happy with what I have, and to know that sometimes, I may not get what I want.  Sure, it sucks in the moment, but often what I get after is MORE than what I could have hoped for. 

Be kind to yourself, Loveys!

MissMessy xx

 

Can’t we all just get along? Oh hell no, we can’t! RHONJ reunion

Well, it’s been a few days since part 2 of the RHONJ reunion aired.  I thought the dust had settled.  It was a tense experience to watch.  I thought I had prepared for what I would see…I prepped by watching Dexter right beforehand.  I figured the death and destruction on Dexter would balance out whatever the housewives threw at each other.  I was wrong.

Screaming, squeaking, singing, pointing, threats of suing each other, and accusations were flying back and forth.  Twitter exploded.  Team Teresa vs Team Melissa, or Team Teresa vs everyone else.  I have seen some of the NASTIEST cruelest comments on Twitter, and I’m left a little shell shocked.  It’s one thing to watch 2 people who know each other verbally duke it out.  It’s quite another to watch people attack people on TV as if they know them personally.  Sure, we all have opinions.  We all have assholes too, we just don’t go out throwing them at people.  People have dug up dirt from 15 years ago against Melissa, ready to burn her at the stake.  Others are foaming at the mouth over Teresa’s blogs and taking it further.

I’ll state my opinion formally here.  I generally never side 100% on these things.  Why?  Because while I enjoy them on TV and on Twitter, I don’t personally know Melissa, Jac, Tre, Kathy or Caroline.   They know each other, but they don’t know me and vice versa.  I always say, there’s always 3 sides to the story, one from each person, and the truth.

In fairness, I do think Teresa is out of her mind from what I’ve watched.  She NEEDS a PR person or friend to tell her that sometimes, ya just gotta shut yer yap.    She’s gotten caught in lies about the blogs and magazines this season, She’s said her family is out to DESTROY her.  How does someone DESTROY a grown woman?  Unless you’re dead on the ground, methinks you’re being over dramatic there, sugar.  Her blogs bleed her distaste for Melissa.  Teresa would pay Mel a half assed compliment and then undercut it with a passive aggressive insult.  OVER and OVER and OVER. Her blog this week is full of vitriolic comments from her “fans” which slam everyone else on the show.  This allows Tre to say shit that’s pure hatred while smiling and squeaking that SHE didn’t say it, the fans did. Teresa strikes me as an incredibly unhappy person in what appears to be an unhappy marriage, who is trying desperately to pretend all is well.  It’s clearly not.

This is where I feel a little bad for Tre.  Her husband talks to her like she’s a piece of shit.  Half the time he’s embarrassing himself in front of the cameras, and the other half of the time he’s missed the point that when you’re on TV, you gotta mind your P’s and Q’s.  He’s committing crimes, and baby, he doesn’t have the rockstar persona to back up that bad boy attitude.  He fails at even driving a car.  Helen Keller could apparently operate a motor vehicle better than Juicy.  The worst part is that he’s just too dumb to be shady.  Obviously if you’re filming, you know you’re mic’d.  Why would you sneak off to talk in your “sexy growly voice” to your Spanish pizza guy, yet speak to him in Italian?  Why would you call your wife names that make Lorena Bobbit perk up and grab her cleaver?  (Side note, I lived right near them at the time and often wondered what the scene was like when they found his twig, minus his berries.  “you pick it up”, “No, You!”)  Because you’re an idiot, that’s why.  An idiot that’s gotten his wife into possible legal troubles and doesn’t care enough that she’s trying desperately to keep the family afloat.  Do I think Joe’s cheating?  ABSOLUTELY. He forged Teresa’s name to NUMEROUS documents, insults her on TV, he was out with another woman the night of the fashion show, and purred down the phone to someone and then called his wife a bitch and a see you next Tuesday.  Even the kids made comments.

I saw a lot of nastiness from Teresa on the reunion.  I know she’s saying the ganged up on her.  Yet I can’t help but think that she brought some stuff on herself.  When Andy asked her about what she thought of Caroline’s parenting, she said “I think her kids are great”. Stop.Right.There. But no….”but…..”  See, those butts get you into trouble, Tre.  You could have took the gracious route, but you didn’t.   Always best to say less than hurl that insult.

At the end of the day…there’s just SO much to talk about.  all the relationships, the comments, the fights, the love.  I hope people can do it with decency.  If you wouldn’t tell someone something to their face, check your Twitter Muscles at the door and at least show SOME sense of restraint.  If you don’t know the person personally, why call them the most horrible names?   I know I’ve probably dropped a few comments that were a little harsh, but for the most part, I like to debate.

Sorry if this is all a bit disjointed.  I have a raging head cold and Nyquil is my bestie right now@

MWAH Loveys!

Messyxx